It's that time of year when hemlines get shorter and legs get browner ... I am having difficulty in achieving an even tan, yet everyone else (bar none!) has a perfect pair of tanned pins. I know they're not natural.

As most men are unfamiliar with the fake tan ritual, let me fill you in. After one has showered, one applies the cream. The substance comes out of its tube as a cream, not the colour of “tan” it will decide to be.

The question is one of when to stop. The tan won't own up for another four to six hours, so it's a while before I learn whether the gamble has paid off. When it emerges, it's patchy and streaky and my knees are two satsumas. Do I reapply blindly in a bid to colour in the gaps, risking more streaky satsumas? Or do I wear trousers?